St Albans by Numbers

5         The amount of mini-scooters that will whizz around you per 100m travelled within AL1 between the hours of 3pm-4pm on a school day. Once your shins have been bashed 11 times or more in any seven-day period you are eligible for funding from the council for protective clothing, apparently.

494,777     Is the average price of a house in St Albans. Feeling smug? Just wait until you actually try to move to a property even 5 sq ft bigger than your house, that will wipe the smile. Your humble abode might be worth a silly % more than when you bought it…but so is everyone else’s.

7         Is the number of grown adults (as opposed to ungrown adults, who are technically called ‘children’, I suppose) you’ll see riding bikes on the pavement during the course of the average working week. Growing up, I was told that it was ‘illegal’ (even for teenager) to ride on the pavement and that, if spotted, a policeman on the beat would sternly tell you off and make you walk your bike. (No, this was not the 1950s.) Nowadays, adults ride their bikes on pavements safe in the knowledge that they’ll never be accosted by the boys in blue (or, as they are more commonly now known, the BoysAndGirlsInFlourescentReflectiveSafetyWorkwearWithPocketsAndEppaulettes). The chances of seeing a Bobby (or even a Roberta) on the beat in St Albans being slimmer than the likelihood of Weightwatchers holding their local group meetings in Dunkin’ Donuts. If an actual panda car did stop you while you were cycling among pedestrians, you’d have fair cause to argue that if the pavement is wide enough for the police vehicle then it’s big enough for you too. To be honest, 9 out of 10 times you see the police helicopter hovering above AL4 it’s because it’s tracking a middle-aged credit controller in Hush Puppies who is riding his bike too close to people’s front gates. Said ‘off-road’ cyclist will, of course, be wearing a helmet and, probably, a mini hat cam thingy as well. (Well, you never know when some pesky scooter-riding pre-schooler will come hurtling dangerously around that next corner, and you’ll need some video evidence for the ‘trauma’ claim.)

2         Is the number of local pubs I walked out of on a recent night out with a couple of mates without even having had a drink. I’m not actually that fussy when it comes to pubs; I like variety and I quite like going to different places, but there are two things I absolutely insist on in order to purchase a beer: 1. Beer actually being stocked 2. Someone being behind the bar to serve it. Is that too much to ask? Clearly, for a couple of local hostelries, yes. What sort of pub doesn’t serve draught beer (just the one – any sort at all – not asking for a cast [cask?] of thousands)? What sort of sales-based business doesn’t actually have people to sell the product? Whatever next – bakers who don’t sell bread and vegetarian butchers?

41      Is the number of seconds the average person in St Albans spends scanning the ‘Court Report’ section of the local paper in the hope of seeing a name they recognise (and, preferably, of someone they don’t really like – possibly that neighbour who spotted you in the 99p Store).  Discovering someone who’s been convicted of watching TV without a licence or, better still, caught trying to steal a joint of honey-glazed pork from Sainsbury’s, gives one a lovely warm glow inside, doesn’t it?

0.01 This is the percentage of friends of the average reader of this blog that will proudly admit to having voted Tory. Hmm, strange how that doesn’t quite stack up with a 25,000 majority. And they say it’s the politicians who are the dishonest ones…

N.B. AL3 WTF does not accept donations from any political party.  We’d love to, however, it’s just that no-one has ever offered.

93      Is the number of steps to climb in order to stand atop the Clock Tower and enjoy one of the best skyline views in the world: the Christopher Place Car Park roof.  The Clock Tower is definitely worth a visit.  Go soon as rumours abound that the council is considering making the steps a one-way route in order to ease congestion. In future, the only way down will be via zip wire. The zip wire is to be sponsored by the Starbucks store opposite and the descent will go through the (hopefully open) bi-fold doors and finish in front of a smiling barista. Or, if the glass bi-fold doors are closed, in front of a smiling no-win-no-fee barrister.

68      This is the percentage of 2014 residential conversions in St Albans that involved the fitting of bi-fold doors. Nothing says freedom and self-expression like a bi-fold door. These glass concertinas are much favoured by naturists, phlebotomists and people with shares in Windolene.

39      This is – genuinely – the percentage of respondents in an online poll who thought that Ye Olde Fighting Cocks should be renamed Ye Olde Clever Cocks. (I know, it’s the least believable of the whole blog, isn’t it.)  According to the front page of this week’s Review, a campaign group is urging the pub to change its name ‘to reflect compassion to animals’. Now, omnivorous AL3 WTF does not and never has condoned cock-fighting, but we’re wondering if the campaigners have taken a glance at the pub’s menu. If it’s animal compassion they’re after, might they be better to focus on ingredients:  “our game may contain shot”. Just a thought.

At the time of going to press, a spokesman for the newly named Slug and Pellet was not available; neither was comment forthcoming from the relaunched Mare and Mounds. No-one was able to respond to our request to The Three Horseshoes to explain why the poor horse’s fourth hoof was never shod.