AL3 WTF surveyed 200 St Albans men earlier this week to find out what they wanted from their partner for Valentine’s Day. The results are quite revealing (for women), but quite obvious to men.
Firstly, let’s deal with the things men said they really didn’t want to receive/do. In reverse order:
5th place: Any permanent item with a heart on it. This means a mug (in fact, this especially means a mug); a t-shirt (‘Hey guys look at the cool t-shirt my missus bought me so that I can display my love for her even when cruel life separates us and I have to go to play 5-a-side with you lot’, said no man ever to his mates.); a ‘witty’ slogan on a piece of fake driftwood to hang up in the kitchen as a sign of undying love (or at least until Tinder pays out). Basically, anything that can’t be consumed whilst watching Match of the Day 2 on Sunday evening and has a life expectancy of more than 24hrs won’t be appreciated.
4th place: Jewellery. This is too much. And too soon in the relationship. Even if you’ve known him 20 years.
3rd place: Any card bigger than 12cm x 16cm. A card of greater dimensions will embarrass a man as it will, unfailingly, be bigger than the one he’s bought.
2nd place: A double mitten. This item allows couples to hold hands inside a giant double mitten. It really does. They do exist. They are for wearing in public. In public! Men fear receiving a double mitten more than the onset of erectile dysfunction.
1st place: The last thing any man wants to do is go to a restaurant that has a ‘Special Valentine’s Menu’. To men this simply means three things:
– exactly the same food as the normal menu, just with sickeningly re-named loved-up descriptors.
– rip-off pricing
– a room full of couples who’ve run out of things to say to each other
So then, what do men want to receive:
5th place: Alcohol (preferably something only he likes so he won’t have to share).
4th place: A night out with his mates as a reward for being such an all-round great guy for the last 12 months.
3rd place: Anything at all that arrives in the post on Monday 15th. This late arrival will put a man at ease all day on Sunday; watch him relax and enjoy the whole day. At the moment he’s told that his personalised/special gift hasn’t arrived, a smile will appear on his face, his shoulders will drop and the anxiety of the weekend will disappear as if someone has opened a pressure valve. He will love his partner all the more for her poor planning. AL3 WTF suggests choosing second class delivery for any item bought for a man and, perhaps, don’t order anything at all off Amazon until at least Saturday afternoon, just to be safe.
2nd place: A sexual favour. Don’t worry, this need not necessarily be performed by you if you’re not in the mood. If it suits more to provide a substitute then feel free; perhaps you have a sister or friend who could stand in for you and lend a hand (or other appropriate body part)?
1st place: The remote control. The man in your life will happily endure While You Were Sleeping on BBC1 on Sunday night, if you let him have full and uninterrupted use of the TV in the afternoon and all the following weekend so that he can watch the rugby on Sunday and then all the live 5th Round FA Cup matches the weekend after. This will cost you nothing. Our research shows that he will love you more than life itself as a result of this gift.
In the spirit of equality, AL3 WTF also surveyed local women to find out what they wanted. We had planned to ask 200 ladies, but it became very clear after speaking to only seven respondents that they all had absolutely 100% identical requirements for Valentine gifts. These were:
– a large card purchased from a specialist card shop, not a supermarket, a garage or Wilkos
– something to keep forever with a red heart printed on it (preferably a mug or t-shirt or sign for the kitchen that can be shown-off to envious friends)
– flowers. Preferably red in colour and in a bunch that’s bigger than that received by any visiting friend/sister/neighbour. If the floral arrangement necessitated an extension to the family mortgage than so be it; you are worth it, after all.
– chocolates. So what if it’s only five days into Lent. It’s bloody Valentine’s Day. What are you supposed to do. It’s not your fault. Eat them. Eat them all.
– a meal out. This must be somewhere with a Special Valentine’s Day menu. Nothing else will do. ‘Ooh look, they’ve cleverly changed all the names of the dishes so that they’ve got romantic descriptors…’
Happy Valentine’s Day. And remember, even if no-one else does, AL3 WTF loves you.
5th place: Any permanent item with a heart on it. This means a mug (in fact, this especially means a mug); a t-shirt (‘Hey guys look at the cool t-shirt my missus bought me so that I can display my love for her even when cruel life separates us and I have to go to play 5-a-side with you lot’, said no man ever to his mates.); a ‘witty’ slogan on a piece of fake driftwood to hang up in the kitchen as a sign of undying love (or at least until Tinder pays out). Basically, anything that can’t be consumed whilst watching Match of the Day 2 on Sunday evening and has a life expectancy of more than 24hrs won’t be appreciated.
4th place: Jewellery. This is too much. And too soon in the relationship. Even if you’ve known him 20 years.
3rd place: Any card bigger than 12cm x 16cm. A card of greater dimensions will embarrass a man as it will, unfailingly, be bigger than the one he’s bought.
2nd place: A double mitten. This item allows couples to hold hands inside a giant double mitten. It really does. They do exist. They are for wearing in public. In public! Men fear receiving a double mitten more than the onset of erectile dysfunction.
1st place: The last thing any man wants to do is go to a restaurant that has a ‘Special Valentine’s Menu’. To men this simply means three things:
– exactly the same food as the normal menu, just with sickeningly re-named loved-up descriptors.
– rip-off pricing
– a room full of couples who’ve run out of things to say to each other
So then, what do men want to receive:
5th place: Alcohol (preferably something only he likes so he won’t have to share).
4th place: A night out with his mates as a reward for being such an all-round great guy for the last 12 months.
3rd place: Anything at all that arrives in the post on Monday 15th. This late arrival will put a man at ease all day on Sunday; watch him relax and enjoy the whole day. At the moment he’s told that his personalised/special gift hasn’t arrived, a smile will appear on his face, his shoulders will drop and the anxiety of the weekend will disappear as if someone has opened a pressure valve. He will love his partner all the more for her poor planning. AL3 WTF suggests choosing second class delivery for any item bought for a man and, perhaps, don’t order anything at all off Amazon until at least Saturday afternoon, just to be safe.
2nd place: A sexual favour. Don’t worry, this need not necessarily be performed by you if you’re not in the mood. If it suits more to provide a substitute then feel free; perhaps you have a sister or friend who could stand in for you and lend a hand (or other appropriate body part)?
1st place: The remote control. The man in your life will happily endure While You Were Sleeping on BBC1 on Sunday night, if you let him have full and uninterrupted use of the TV in the afternoon and all the following weekend so that he can watch the rugby on Sunday and then all the live 5th Round FA Cup matches the weekend after. This will cost you nothing. Our research shows that he will love you more than life itself as a result of this gift.
In the spirit of equality, AL3 WTF also surveyed local women to find out what they wanted. We had planned to ask 200 ladies, but it became very clear after speaking to only seven respondents that they all had absolutely 100% identical requirements for Valentine gifts. These were:
– a large card purchased from a specialist card shop, not a supermarket, a garage or Wilkos
– something to keep forever with a red heart printed on it (preferably a mug or t-shirt or sign for the kitchen that can be shown-off to envious friends)
– flowers. Preferably red in colour and in a bunch that’s bigger than that received by any visiting friend/sister/neighbour. If the floral arrangement necessitated an extension to the family mortgage than so be it; you are worth it, after all.
– chocolates. So what if it’s only five days into Lent. It’s bloody Valentine’s Day. What are you supposed to do. It’s not your fault. Eat them. Eat them all.
– a meal out. This must be somewhere with a Special Valentine’s Day menu. Nothing else will do. ‘Ooh look, they’ve cleverly changed all the names of the dishes so that they’ve got romantic descriptors…’
Happy Valentine’s Day. And remember, even if no-one else does, AL3 WTF loves you.