We were asked for a review of 2018. Now we’re the type of people who prefer to look forward but… We must deliver the will of the people.
NB – We are no slaves to time or truth so the content may not be chronologically or factually correct.
January – Dry. Kind of. More damp really, leaning towards wet. Save St Albans Pubs!
Trains – Bad. Ticket prices up. Although cancellations and delays were up too so there’s a kind of symmetry and order at play here.
Let the train take the strain.
Buses – Bad. Why aren’t they electric? Why aren’t they warm? You wait ages for one and then…
Sinkholes – Bad. You wait decades for one then…
Potholes – Bad. Efforts to rectify are on a par with bailing out the Titanic with a teaspoon.
New Mayor – Great. Cllr Rosemary Farmer. We say “great” but only because we feel a Mayor called Rose Farmer may do something pretty with the park flower beds. Plus, we can only assume that the Royal National Rose Society based at the Gardens of the Rose is her family business. Which is nice.
Police – Great. New Chief Inspector vowed to tackle the wave of burglaries. Chief Inspector replaced (repeat as necessary) We think we’re still on the 3rd one? It may well be Inspector Gadget by now for all we know. Tip – Never “vow” anything. It only leads to woe. Ask Theresa.
Tree Felling – Bad. They chopped down the tree at the Clock Tower. The tree had to come down for “safety reasons” not because it interfered with any planned projections of a Christmassy nature on the tower.
Christmas lights turn on – Enlightening. But if it gets any earlier then it’ll start to compete with Bonfire Night.
Christmas Fair – Fair. But somebody didn’t want it anywhere near where they live.
Housing – Fair. Plans for 15,000 in the district but nobody wants them anywhere near where they live.
Museum – Good (ish). But £7.75m? (could have built some houses). Does anyone else start singing “1-2-3 1-2-3 drink!” when they see the chandeliers in the Georgian Assembly Room?
We’re gonna swing from this chandelier, this chandelier.
UK’s Strongest Man – Good. But where, exactly, was the leader of the DUP? (Yes, we know).
St Albans Boy – V Bad. Fell “up to his nose” in Verulamium Lake. We never found out if this was head or feet first? One of which wouldn’t be quite so dramatic. We also wonder if, like Dr Foster, he never went there again?
Don’t drink the water!
Verulamium Lake – Bad. Still dirty. Ask the St Albans boy.
Heatwave – Good. Remember moaning how hot it was? Well, say “Hello” to burst pipes and slushy pavements people!
Back soon Folks! (After we’ve saved another St Albans pub!)
August 2018’s inaugural Meraki Christmas Festival was a huge success, selling over 4,000 glasses of mulled wine, 8,000 jars of locally produced cranberry sauce and 1,400 half-dozen packets of Redbournbury Mill‘s mince pies.
To avoid the confined space of the walled, sheltered, easy-to-reach, right-in-the-town-centre Vintry Gardens, and the inconvenience associated with the cold winter weather, St Albans District Council made the inspired decision to not only move the location of this year’s Christmas Market but to also hold the festive fair at a more user-friendly time of year during the summer holidays.
Ivor P Folio, council member for festive markets, said: “I’m going to see my brother, Keith, in Florida in December so I thought I’d get the whole inconvenient Christmas Market thing out of the way nice and early in August this year. You know how tricky it is when you’re trying to pack flowery holiday shirts and fritter away council tax-payers’ money all at the same time.”
Ivor P Folio
A wide range of stall-holders deemed the Merry-AKI (Albans’ Kristmas In-summer) festival a resounding winner:
Indoor comfy footwear retailers ‘All Saints’n’Slippers’ said: “Christmas is our busiest period so it’s great to get this event out of the way early. To be honest, we didn’t actually sell that many pairs, but we think shoppers were impressed with our quality as people near us could be heard commenting ‘Ooh, they’ve worn well, haven’t they’, which was nice.”
Never Ever (leave the label on)
From her gazebo selling pirate eye-wear, stall-holder Gabrielle thought she could make a good profit at the festival if it ran for longer: ‘Give me just a little more time’, she could be heard murmuring to herself.
Sales were patchy for some stall holders
The motorcycle spare-parts tent seemed a little out of place, but from beneath a Christmassy banner offering ‘10CC’s Dreadlock Festival Holiday Deals’, sales assistants were very happy to attend. “We’ve somewhat mixed views on summer sports so to be here instead is light relief; we don’t like cricket, oh no.”
The travel advisor selling sunset tours to a secret location (near a tree by a river, there’s a hole in the ground, apparently) was a fan of the switch to summer and the longer evenings. “I won’t let the sun go down on me,” claimed Mr Kershaw, at the same time denying that he was about to start selling NASA memorabilia at his permanent Christopher Place shop, SpaceNK.
Wouldn’t it be good?
Electrical retailers Dave More and Suzie Cheeba thought the summer event would get better and better every year, stating: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” To labour the point, they added that this year’s event was ‘Way beyond’ their expectations and that its evolution was ‘Part of the process’ and that everyone should ‘Enjoy the ride’ and that those who were quick to complain were too ‘Trigger hippie’. They would have commented further but a customer called Mr Wikipedia interrupted.
A special Christmas auction was a huge success at the Merry-AKI. Although the most anticipated lot, a real-life Elf On The Shelf, was unavailable at short notice, the organisers sourced a last-minute replacement and there was furious bidding amongst men in their 40s for the right to have Pixie Lott 3A in their homes for 24 hours. Dad of six (or seven, he wasn’t sure), Brandon from Fleetville said: “I’ve had eight pints of Farr Brew and the missus is asleep in the circus tent, so I’ve re-mortgaged the house to bid for Lott 3A.”
Lott 3A: a Pixie
The successful Merry-AKI Christmas event ran over three days. Unfortunately, it only being mid-August and his red outfit still at the cleaners, Santa couldn’t attend. However, he did send his stunt-double, Noah. Fittingly, Noah arrived in a downpour of biblical proportions. We were informed that Noah was Santa’s stand-in, but we are now wondering if they are one and the same person. After all, you never actually see Santa and Noah in the same room, so I guess it’s plausible…
We sought clarification from Merry-AKI organisers about Noah’s lookalike status but a spokesman, Moses, refuted our hypothesis, claiming we’d got confused with the Council’s other summer outdoor event, ‘Larks in the Ark.’
fun in the sun
For many, the festive highlight was the Silent-Night disco where Christmas revellers could shake their jingle bells, getting them to ding-dong merrily on high whilst wearing warming ear-muffs.
It’s so quiet, shh shh.
AL3 thought it was a stroke of sheer genius to hold a giant game of ‘Ghost Bus’, where festival-goers had to search for hours for a mysterious pre-paid bus to transport them to or from the seasonal extravaganza. The Polar (National) Express was a resounding success as a way of keeping little ones entertained although, at £8 per ticket (excluding bus ride), it was a tad expensive.
You wait for ages then…
Packed with tinsel, roasted chestnuts and festive good cheer, Merry-AKI was lots of fun. AL3 is looking forward to the outdoor summer event that the same organisers are holding at Westminster Lodge this December. We’re camping for the full 23 days and will be packing swimming trunks for the giant water-slide and looking forward to picnics in the sunshine and relaxing outdoor massages.
