The outhouse of all seasons and the sooner someone flushes it away the better.
Make that the full flush not the eco-friendly small button one.
Does anyone really look forward to autumn?
Really? Does anyone think “Yay! Goodbye summer, ’tis the season to be gloomy”?
if the Eskimo people have dozens of words for “snow” they only need one for autumn.
Mind you, it would still have four letters and begin with ‘s’.
Autumn,
Seriously, what does it have to offer?
You have to mess about with the clocks.
Ooh! An extra hour in bed.
That’s sixty minutes that you didn’t ask to have in return for what exactly?
Well, getting up for work in the dark and coming home in the even “darker” for one thing.
But then, the “extra hour” is very much dependent on what age your offspring are as they work on kidstime.
Speaking of younger members of the species, what spell gets cast that sees responsible caring parents send the little (in some cases literally) “devils” out onto the dimly streets to beg for sweets from complete strangers?
Yes, Halloween, one of autumn’s ugly siblings. Not satisfied with setting off a sugar fuelled frenzy that keeps my dentist’s Aston Martin on the road, it’s also deemed to be the time to boost the local farming economy by buying a ridiculous amount of that autumnal horror, the pumpkin.
All those good intentions of carving a masterpiece without letting the stinky flesh go to waste.
‘Pumpkin pie anyone?’
‘Mmmm, lovely. No, no it tastes nothing like soggy “any vegetable” mixed with burnt sugar at all.’
Of course, after it’s all over, there’s the carved carcass of your smelly overgrown orange tealight holder to deal with.
You leave it just outside the backdoor.You are, naturally, going to recycle it but it’s dark, wet and windy, BECAUSE IT’S AUTUMN, so you leave it until the weekend.
Then the weekend comes and the pumpkin has collapsed because that’s what they do. You lift it up carefully and it disintegrates in your hands with a ‘slop’ sound onto the patio. You then spend the next ten minutes in the dark, wet and windy conditions clearing it up. BECAUSE IT’S AUTUMN!
As if Halloween isn’t enough, we then foist the 5th of November on the sugar laden little people.
Having already allowed them a day of begging and glucose gluttony, it is now time for doting parents to thrust flaming sticks of chemicals in their hands and encourage them to wave them about! Yes, those very same elements your chemistry teacher made you wear goggles for are given to children.
Autumn.
Yes, people will say ‘look at the beautiful golds and reddish-browns of the leaves though’. But think about it, when else does the colour ‘russet’ get used?
‘Russet’ ,an autumn word, a poetic colour for autumn that can only rhyme with……….?
That’s right. Autumn the gusset of the seasons.
Besides. Do not be fooled by the leaves.
At best they are dead foliage. Mother Nature’s blockages-in-waiting.
At worst, they are camouflage for the lazy dog owner, a slip that is yet to be discovered.
Autumn.
As welcome as David Cameron at a Peppa Pig party,
But it’s not all bad is it?
I mean look at all those Autumn plus points.
You can get a flu jab.
You’ll need one to feel safe sitting on that steamy windowed bus full of sneezing commuters that takes you, in the dark, to the train station to get in the damp carriage on the train that’s 30 minutes late because it was delayed by russet leaves on the track.
Um, oh yeah, it’s grey, wet, gloomy and windy so you’ll be comforted by the TV schedule that has “I’m Strictly an XFactor Celebrity Dancing in Downton Out of Here” to entertain you before all the good stuff comes back in the winter.
If autumn was a “Strictly” contender it would be Anne Widdecombe.
‘Autumn dahhling you were a gloomy damp dreary disaster”
The TV adverts change for autumn.
Yes, you get the usual Xmas ones with huge tables of food and everyone having a good time, in large family groups that cover every demographic possible and make you wonder how many milkmen one house needs but you also get the autumn only “special ones”
They start advertising Xmas saving clubs in November? Handy.
The hair dye adverts with Davina Willabooby and the like start featuring feckin’ russet coloured hair! (As an aside – do you ever wonder how they get 86% of 137 women agreeing? We’ve done the maths and there’s at least one woman who’s not all there!)
But pride of place goes to the central heating ad with the tag line “tired of your old bolier?”
Now hands up how many ladies out there turn round to see if their other half is smirking when that comes on?
Nope. Autumn is the old boiler of seasons but, thankfully,
‘Winter is coming’.
Back next week and in case our paths don’t cross until next year,
AL3 wish you all a merry, peaceful and above all healthy Christmas.