Every Loser Wins

And then there is SCHOOL SPORTS DAY.

The annual gathering that brings young and old together for a few hours of what’s-the-pointism.

This years ‘event’ was to be my last ever Junior School sports day, bar any surprise family additions or becoming a teacher.

Still it was sunny, I wouldn’t be at work and I’d be getting tanned.

So, the usual last minute decision re appropriate attire had to be made.

Decision made – jeans and trainers. A look that said ‘I really do NOT want to be picked for the parents’ race but, if I am, bring it!’

Mind you, I imagine the whole Sports Day fashion choice must be sooooo much worse for mums.

Apart from potentially looking like Mrs Way Too Keen if you turn up in your running gear, Ms Glam Boobs aka Jimmy’s Mum is bound to be there to cheer him on all fake-tanned in ripped jeans, crop top, high heels and designer shades isn’t she?

Don’t fret Ladies. The situation is lose-lose. Just, for pity’s sake, wear a sports bra if there is even the remotest possibility of you ending up in the sack race.

‘Lose-lose’?

That’s totally unlike sports day where ‘Every One’s A Winner Baby, that’s the truth (that’s the truth)’.

The formula for this particular school was simple.

It was a non-competitive, competitive, team event decided by individual performance where there are no winners or losers just those who get points for their team and those who don’t.

Really? I know there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’ but there is in ‘Win’?

As usual the 1:30pm start was delayed which meant trying to find shade, a drink and avoiding having conversation with other parents for half an hour while the kids are sorted into their teams.

Still it was sunny, I wasn’t at work and I was getting tanned.

As mentioned, just to make sure there’s absolutely no danger of competition rearing its non-pc head, each competitor, err I mean participant, was sorted into a team that was clearly identifiable by shirt colour. I say ‘clearly’ as the Green Team comprised of shirts that were green, dark green, light green, bluey green, greeny blue and yellow. Yellow? ‘Molly, you’re supposed to be with the Orangey Team under the other tree!’ Anyway, 20 minutes later and all teams were sorted and looking suitably disinterested.  

A whistle from the headmaster and the groups were each led to their respective ‘event station’. Well 5 of the groups were. For, yea verily, it was written that the 6th team shall rest and drinketh cups of water as part of a rotation system that not even the headmaster could fathom.

The head blew his whistle again and the fun began.

‘Fun’? Really?

First event.

3 Bean Bags. 3 Hoops. One hoop very close, one not so close, one impossibly far away.

Objective? Throw bean bags in hoops.

Points? 1pt per bean bag in hoop. 

(Make that rewinding tape noise in your head here. Hell! Make it out loud if you want.). 

The kids were bored, the parents were bored.

Still it was sunny, I wasn’t at work and I was getting tanned.

Next up, pointless side to side jumping that deserves no further description.

Blow the whistle headmaster, please blow the whistle.

Welly throwing next. This had promise after Jimmy, son of Glam Boobs, threw it over the first marker, over the second marker and narrowly over someone’s Granny. Unfortunately this lead to the teacher explaining that you got a point for throwing the boot anywhere between the two markers. Distance wasn’t actually the factor.

Perlease! In my day that would have been the signal for targeting any adult you could then quickly declaring ‘Oops! It slipped out of my hand Miss!’ (A phrase I’ve used many times myself over the years).

Two buckets. One with water, one without, 5 metres apart. Objective? Move water from bucket A to bucket B using a sponge which also acted as team baton.

Hot sunny day, kids, water. Surely this was a cue for a soaking? Nope, one by one the Green team members dutifully loaded the sponge and carefully transported water to its destination. Until it was Jimmy’s turn. If it was on purpose it was genius. Little Jimmy arrived back at the changeover with more water than he left with and the sponge receiver got soaked. The Greens immediately changed tactics which involved dipping sponge in bucket A, soaking team mate, re-dipping sponge running to bucket B and back before handing over sponge in a style guaranteed to dampen. This is what the crowd wanted but the whistle blew too soon and it was off to the final event of the rotation.

Team Green’s final event was kicking the ball into the goal. Something that could be highly recommended for those who play at Clarence Park stadium on a Sat afternoon.

This was the only event where the team were told what the target score was. 15 the score to beat. A purpose! Suddenly they came to life. Things didn’t start that well when first greenie (my youngest daughter) stepped up and kicked the ball over the crossbar, the fence, tree and halfway down the field! Fret not, Greens had a secret weapon. Yep, little Jimmy couldn’t miss. The boy had an eye for goal, 10, 11, the crowd and kids actually got excited, 12, 13, 14, hit the bar, 15 then just before the whistle went, Jimmy hit the winner! Big cheers from all concerned.

There were some relay races (which Jimmy’s team won) and some egg and spoon races (Jimmy won his). The sack race didn’t take place (much to my daughter’s disgust) there were no parent races (much to my disgust).We didn’t find out which team won and, at time of blogging, still don’t know! (Much to everyone’s disgust).

Still, it was sunny, I wasn’t at work, but I got sunburnt!

Mum & Dad        –              Why does it never start on time?

Mum & Dad        –              How long is this going on for?

Mum & Dad        –              Why don’t they use real eggs anymore?

Mum & Dad        –              That ginger kid is burning.

Mum                     –              What does she think she looks like?

Dad                       –              I really should congratulate Jimmy’s mum on his performance.