From 7am – 10pm, men file into booths to discretely make their donation. Size is not important; it is all about taking part and making your pathetic, whimpering voice heard. Try as he might, no man can win this competition single-handedly; it’s all about uniting and pulling as one.
Over recent months, potential participants in this erection have been urged to get their fingers out and register to donate. Some have opted to take part by post. Although legal, this course of action is not much liked by the Royal Mail and is particularly out of favour with postal workers who have to sort the mail by hand.
The great leaders of our country have been busy with rallying cries for mass participation and imploring the whole nation to come together. The coalition government has finished its five-year sperm and it is time to restock supplies. Despite being considered by most as a bunch of w*nkers, the politicians have literally run out of spunk.
This erection has been a long time coming and it is down to every man over 18 to lend a hand for the great cause. Without restocking supplies through the erection collection programme, the country will be on its knees and staring down the barrel of a loaded weapon.
Politicians want us to come forth; to stand up and be counted. It is time to shake up or ship out. We have been instructed not to dither willy nilly, but to get involved and lend a hand where it matters most.
Some of you may wish to sport colours to support you favourite erection candidate. Many men find an appropriately coloured handkerchief in their pocket will come in handy when they make their donation. Should you wish to take a friend with you to help you donate, that is perfectly acceptable, but they must be over 18 and promise not to reveal what went on in the booth.
Party donations are allowed, but you must fill in a form so that your donation is transparent and can be viewed by all who wish to scrutinise it. (This is to ensure that there’s no repeat of previous underhand tactics when illegal donations from horses and livestock were used in a bid to bump up the nation’s semen reserves.)
Party members have for many months been trying to tie the erectorate down; trying to find out where they will aim their donation. Some say that these activists have been premature and that all that matters is what happens in the final spurt of the campaign.
AL3 WTF believes in democracy. AL3 WTF urges you to put your hands together and be a V.O.T.E.R. (Volatile Oscillation To Ejaculate Repeatedly). While you are busy supporting your local handidate, you can be assured that there will be a Cabinet shuffle (and even reshuffle) at the same time. A word of caution: if you are a floating voter, please do not cast your vote at Westminster Lodge.
Now a few words of reassurance for first-timers: donating to a political party, or ‘voting’ as it is euphemistically called, is not dirty. It is quite natural and you should not be ashamed at having gone into a cubicle and ‘voted’. You will not go blind as a result, although too much politics can make your opinions somewhat blinkered.
If you’ve read this far, I’m sure it’s ok to mention that, irrespective of the result of this month’s erection, it is sure to cause much public discussion; a mass debate will ensue, many believe.
It would be wrong to reach the climax of this piece without mentioning women. I know that as men across the nation cast their votes, women will be uppermost in their thoughts. Women fought long and hard to secure the right to enter those cubicles. What they do in there is a mystery, though. There are few things in life that men have the upper hand on. See men, women have handcuffed themselves to all sorts of things in order to secure the vote. Should you spot a woman with handcuffs loitering by the booths as you enter, then be sure to give her a hand.
As prospective Prime Ministers have oft said in the past ‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man’. Men of the United Kingdom, your time is now. Do what comes naturally.