A free service fully approved by our legal advisors Hardy, Tubs & Basket.
As the 18th century horticulturist, Walter La Plante, famously said
‘If you want things to grow, start with a good pile of shit.’
How fitting then that, now Spring is upon us, AL3 Towers has been inundated with piles of the stuff in the form of Canvassing Reports and Pamphlets – aka CRaP.
It occurred to us that, as responsible citizens, we could do the local community a huge service by actually reading the aforementioned CRaP (before adding to the compost heap) and thus save you the pain.
Obviously, we have no intention of swaying your vote (or more correctly “votes”) as we fully expect AL3 WTF to become an independent sovereign state by the beginning of summer so will no longer be affected by any of this nonsense.
One caveat is that we have received no CRaP from the Green Party, presumably as they don’t want to kill any trees (which is a good thing right?).
Anyway, here’s all you need to know about the Blue, Red & Yellow lot.
All 3 have gone A3.
Maybe there was no paper left for the Greens when then went to Ryman?
Three double-sided A3 sheets from the Yellows were nearly matched by the Reds with two A3s and an A4!
The sneaky Blues appealed to all paper size fetishes by going for two A3s and A4s with an ickle A5 just in case a dozen pictures of the candidate weren’t enough.
We say “sneaky” as the A5 says “WE MISSED YOU TODAY WHEN WE CALLED”.Really? Well, we were in the Towers all day but perhaps you were legging it across the drawbridge as part of some kind of knock and run game?
The upshot is that the 3 main protagonists now need to replant the equivalent of two Heartwood Forests to maintain their carbon footprint!
As for the content?
Well….
Reds blame the Blues and Yellows.
Yellows blame the Blues.
Blues blame the Yellows and Reds.
Blues also accuse both Yellows and Reds of “blame games”.
We wait for the Yellows and Reds to blame the Blues for playing “accuse games”.
Topics covered included
Pothole free roads. Ok, Pinocchio!
Infrastructure. There’s a plan. Honest. It will be shared. One day.
Schools. Some nonsense about kids needing to eat at lunchtime.
Social Housing. 2 new council homes by the recycling centre.
Upkeep of pavements and verges. So we pay for that too do we?!
Pollution. Less of. Presumably by driving car users away?
Our favourite bits.
Council candidates can’t bear the thought of you wondering what a verge/road crossing/inadequate road sign is and are therefore compelled to offer us a sequence of terribly composed photos:
Candidate picking litter = he/she is a man/woman of action.
Candidate next to missing street sign = he/she does not have satnav.
Local candidate next to same party county candidate = we are such a strong team.
If elections were decided by Tinder profiles, no local councillor would ever get selected:
swipe right/swipe far right/swipe left/swipe left of centre…
Err, if that’s how you even use Tinder?
He said, She said.
“Parking is a huge issue”
And you thought they spent all day filling out expense forms.
(Say this one in a Terminator voice)
“Salih isn’t interested in ‘games’ he wants to get the job done!”
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy Salih.
“Vote for Salih, he believes you deserve better!”
We do Salih, we so so do!
“We will complete a consultation to finalise the plan and then seek funding to enable delivery”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Oh sorry, what? Did we miss something?
“The shocking state of our roads is obvious to anyone who has visited Batchwood”
Last time we went to Batchwood we were in such a shocking state ourselves nothing was obvious!
“We have put in some verge protection. Muddy Ruts angers residents.”
We quite liked his 3rd album.
So, there you have it, dear reader. All you need to know.
As Walter La Plante would have said “Use your vote, you dig?”
STOP PRESS
The gatekeeper has just informed us of a late delivery.
An ‘independent’ candidate’s leaflet has just landed. A4 double-sided.
(plus points for higher gsm than previous competitirs flimsy flyers)
The candidate has gone for purple.
Now the last time we had a bag of Skittles other colours not associated with UKIP were available but maybe they have rebranded or disbanded?
UKIP not Skittles!
Now ‘independent’ sometimes conjures up a picture of ‘inexperienced’ but the photos show this candidate can mix it with the big guns.
Admittedly, she has made the schoolgirl error of thinking she has a great photo to use without realising that the picture of her next to a (now ex) Mayor is actually giving profile to a candidate from another party!
Aside from the Mr ex-Mayor, she’s also gone with herself next to a school sign; her with pensioner without his teeth in; her outside the Pioneer; her in a selfie with random man…or her husband…. or her brother…or …We’ll never know!
Our fave is the one of her standing by a lump of wood.
No, not the ex-Mayor, it really is a piece of wood.
We may vote for her, you know what they say ‘Better the Devi you know’!
Just to play fair we also have campaign slogans for other candidates which they can use for free.
Vote Mills and Boom! Young at Herts! Sali G indahouse!
PS – Don’t forget to shred your paper before adding to the compost bin!
Genuine public information from AL3: for recycling, shredded paper goes in your green bin/bag with the garden waste. Not a lot of people know that. (Which is why you’ll have seen it tumbling down your road on a windy day when the people in hi-viz have rejected your neighbour’s attempt to put shredding in with their paper and card). Anyway, it doesn’t matter what political CRaP you shred, St Albans – be it from the Blues, the Reds, the Yellows or the Purple One – it all ends up Green in the end.